One of the many advantages of retirement is that I'm now eligible to enter all the competitions The West Australian holds when it wants to boost its circulation figures.
You know how it goes: "Win five Holdens in five minutes!!! PLUS if you also get The West home-delivered, we'll throw so much money at you you'll start to hyperventilate!!!"
I learnt long ago that this sort of thing is not to be sneezed at. My husband's late Aunty Marie practically made a career from it. She was a professional competition enterer who for years had set aside a couple of days a week to enter competitions in as many magazines and newspapers as she could lay her hands on.
The amount she spent on mags and postage was more than made up for with free trips overseas, holidays throughout Australia, hampers of food, crates of booze and more floral arrangements than you could poke a carnation at.
Her home was packed to the rafters with K-Tel bottle cutters and mismatched soft furnishings, curios and ornaments - all of them brand, spanking new; all of them to someone else's taste.
She bought so many women's magazines, I was amazed Kerry Packer didn't show up at her funeral so he could give thanks for a life that was integral to his financial well-being.
Sadly, seeing as Marie was an aunt by marriage, there was nothing genetic going on husband-wise, so that special combination of skill and dumb luck was not passed on.
Basically, my husband's a dud at winning stuff and I'm not much better.
Inspired by Marie's regular and often astounding windfalls, I did try my hand at it for a while when the kids were little and managed to win a trip to Singapore.
It was a Valentine's Day competition in the Women's Weekly and you had to write a poem for your true love.
As far as I can remember, mine went like this (I don't think the 5th and 6th lines are right but, hey, it was 25 years ago):
"Pitter, patter, little feet,
"Mother dear feels dead beat.
"Through each grimace, whinge and scream,
"She cherishes a secret dream
"That one day, darling, you and I,
"Will wave our cares and woes goodbye.
"We'll leave the kids with mum-in-law
"And bugger off to Singapore."
And we did - bugger off to Singapore, I mean, for a week of unalloyed luxury. We were flown first class and it was so good I would've been quite happy to spend the entire seven days on the plane.
But despite that major success I haven't entered a competition since because the dedication required to reach Marie-like heights is, truth be told, really boring after a while.
I'd like to hold a competition of my own, though, because after writing the Poxy Lady post (click
here to read it) I was contacted by A Wicked Evangelist from Wicked camper vans.
And, hey, guess what??!! I've been asked to send them my favourite quote or saying and they'll have it spray-painted on the back of a van and send me a photo of it!!! (All the exclamation marks are to convey how utterly thrilled I am to be asked. Next time I think I'll write about how much I'd like someone to give me a million dollars. You never know your luck.)
The problem is coming up with just one quote.
My favourites so far are:
* Keep honking - I'm reloading my gun.
* I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
* The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time (Robin Williams).
* There's no such thing as fun for the whole family (Jerry Seinfeld).
* If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days (Robin Williams again).
If you'd like to help me choose, let me know which one you prefer via the comments thingy below. Or if you think you have a better one - and here's where the competition comes into it - let me know.
No prizes apart from the honour of having your quote on the back of a Wicked van, which is pretty bloody excellent if you ask me.
PS: If you'd like to check out A Wicked Evangelist, click
here.
